Wow.

There is a lot to say about this week. It’s been really good at points and really awful at others. It seems like my future is pretty secure as far as a job and that. From what I’ve heard I should be happy that I have no lack of job in my life, I guess I’m worried that I have too much job in my life. I know I spend too much time working for sure but I really don’t know what I would be doing if I weren’t. I don’t have any friends out here and that isn’t to say that I’m super bothered by that. I’m definitely learning to be alone, maybe not learning to appreciate it. I’m worried, however, that all of this alone time is kind of breaking off my reality; that is is making me drift a bit from the person who I have been in the past. Now that might not be a completely bad thing, I mean I am quite dependent on other people but it is uncomfortable to be breaking off all sorts of my emotions because I feel like I might not be able to support them. I don’t want to become emotionally cold even though that seems to be popular.

I have completed a lot more this week (7 days) than I have in a long time. I’ve gotten a start on a lot of projects, gotten things done, completed projects on time or even ahead of time. I guess I’m getting back to that point that I so often come to in live which is to question the point of existence. I can live here, alone, just me. I can fulfill my own wants, my own needs.. I don’t have half as much interaction, I don’t have half as many real genuine laughs and smiles… But I’m still alive. I’m sitting here, completing projects, making money but I’m completely empty. I wake up, go to work, program for 12 hours, go home, eat, sleep, repeat.

Maybe once I get my bike fixed I’ll be alright. Life feels really fucked right now. In absolutely every realm of it. Weird.

I wish I could find a break; in this for()…