nick krut
obsessive compulsive impractical [c|f]oolish.forgive and forget
Posted on April 15, 2011Pitter pitter patter patter.
Drip drop drip. I’m falling asleep, I’m slipping away, as far as it can get.
I try to hold the reigns, I can’t control the bulge, I lose my grasp of this.
Sudden shocking balls of light. Cooling flakes of snow. Broken
shattered glasses, broken box of family photos.
I’ve run the pipe cleaner through the holes, I’ve cleaned up the dirt.
As hard as I’ve tried and long as I’ve pushed I lose my headstart I
lose my handle I fall and slip.
Things that are so different always come full circle. My palms sweat
in my dreams of that and my teeth grind, my jaws clench. I wish the
tides would change and I could see my way to forgive. I want to know
you again but you’ve broken so many of my rules.
if you were falling
Posted on July 14, 2008I took my clothes off, slid under the sheets and held you.
Here we are, drifting off, each to our separate dreams even though we’re as close as ever. How beautiful! My dreams’ll come true, your dreams’ll come true, we’ll live them side-by-side though we may be miles, weeks, years, lifetimes apart. This love, this friendship, this understanding transcends all of that existential fluff. I could be eighty and you twenty-five. You could be on your death bed and I a young boy playing in your yard. With or without communication, with or without sheets in-between us, we are. At this point, does anything else matter for us? I think not.
You’ve helped me find my confidence and now it’s mine. No one can take it from me, not even you.
The best part is that you would never try to.
Friend, lover, hero, stranger, girl, no one.
Passion sweeps me away, friendship brings be back.
parades go by
Posted on July 11, 2008I sat on the window ledge, looking out.
I saw a rainbow and I saw crushed walnut shells on the street that the parade had swiftly passed through. Looking at the ground now it was obvious that something happened but the mood of the event could not be determined from the remains. The consciousness that was once in this air has changed, and morphed into a completely new one.
Maybe it was the crushing of the walnuts. Maybe it was the movement of the crowd. Maybe it was the sickening, but delicious smell wafting through the air that the diesel powered floats left behind them, like manure left by horses.
Something has changed and a finger cannot be placed on what. Let’s hope it is for the good, otherwise this will be the last parade that will rush down this street. This will be the last bit of smoke released from the lungs of this emaciated alcoholic.
write about drinking more
Posted on July 02, 2008As I opened the sake bottle I realized that little metal bit that is partially attached to the lid was coming off with the cap again.
Dammit. Why must sake bottles always be overly attached to their lids. I like that little metal bit there, it reminds me of when I was in high school, I would drink Mountain Dewtm and I would play with that little plastic bit in-between the lid and the bottle. I would use that piece to distract me from engaging in real conversations. That little piece of plastic saved me so many useless conversations with my peers, conversations that they thought I heard and thought I listened to.
I have nothing to distract me now. I hear everything that everyone says, almost to a fault. Sometimes I hear things that people didn’t say but things that people probably meant to say.
I heard your wisper, but ignored it. I felt your love, but rejected it. I heard your voice, but I said the tone was too low. I heard the movement of you, cleaning my floor, but I just walked over you. If I am going to be this oblivious to the world around me, I’d might as well not enter into it. I love you, I hate you, I miss you, I despise you. Part of you has helped me smelt the most important part of me and I don’t know where I stand anymore. Though other people have hurt me, much much more…. You are the one who has taught me about love. You were the one who broke the hound who was running out of line. I wish you luck, with this history, you are going to need it.
I’m sorry if things are strange, I guess I forgot that after a shower I’m supposed to walk out of the bathroom with a towel on. That is what I get for living alone.
The Week In Bullet Marks
Posted on June 03, 2008- The Bad
- Not enough sleep.
- Got paid but still no nearby bank.
- A lot of work to do, not enough time.
- No one really to hang out with.
- Issues with projects stressing me out.
- The Good
- Going to see family!
- I found out Lily is in town and she is awesome.
- Hired a new employee, he’s really good.
- I have air, food and shelter.
- I completed several things that I feel really good about.
- My API Structure is as bad ass as I thought it was.
- Today was BEAUTIFUL in Chicago.
- My hair looked really good today.
- I’m feeling really comfortable being alone.
- Fuck everyone! =)
This is shaping up to be a pretty good week.
Hey guys.
Posted on May 20, 2008artist:
a person whose creative work shows sensitivity and imagination
I’m an artist.
This Week
Posted on May 20, 2008Wow.
There is a lot to say about this week. It’s been really good at points and really awful at others. It seems like my future is pretty secure as far as a job and that. From what I’ve heard I should be happy that I have no lack of job in my life, I guess I’m worried that I have too much job in my life. I know I spend too much time working for sure but I really don’t know what I would be doing if I weren’t. I don’t have any friends out here and that isn’t to say that I’m super bothered by that. I’m definitely learning to be alone, maybe not learning to appreciate it. I’m worried, however, that all of this alone time is kind of breaking off my reality; that is is making me drift a bit from the person who I have been in the past. Now that might not be a completely bad thing, I mean I am quite dependent on other people but it is uncomfortable to be breaking off all sorts of my emotions because I feel like I might not be able to support them. I don’t want to become emotionally cold even though that seems to be popular.
I have completed a lot more this week (7 days) than I have in a long time. I’ve gotten a start on a lot of projects, gotten things done, completed projects on time or even ahead of time. I guess I’m getting back to that point that I so often come to in live which is to question the point of existence. I can live here, alone, just me. I can fulfill my own wants, my own needs.. I don’t have half as much interaction, I don’t have half as many real genuine laughs and smiles… But I’m still alive. I’m sitting here, completing projects, making money but I’m completely empty. I wake up, go to work, program for 12 hours, go home, eat, sleep, repeat.
Maybe once I get my bike fixed I’ll be alright. Life feels really fucked right now. In absolutely every realm of it. Weird.
I wish I could find a break; in this for()…
Updated List
Posted on May 12, 2008Things I am doing about this:
The Poetry of Code – The kind of poetry I know the most about.
List
Posted on May 12, 2008Things I might one day be (or already am):
Financially Stable Dependable American
Things I will probably never be (or have already failed at):
Writer Poet Artist Scholar
Things I want to be:
Writer Poet Artist Scholar
Things I am doing about this:
This is not meant to be depressing, just… an observation.
Cold feet?
Posted on May 08, 2008Hey guys.
I like prefixing my posts with that, it makes it seem like I have amassed a large group of readers.
I am having a really hard time with this. I feel like how hard this all is for me is all I talk about but I really can’t get over it. I feel silly talking this way because all of my friends are so gung ho to leave home and get a place of their own; to go out and explore the world. I am too but I never realized how hard it can be to explore it all by yourself. It seems like many sections of my life are black and white without the fun, laughter and love that my friends and family add to it. There are so many things that I’ve seen while being here that are so lovely and I’ve just wanted to share them but I don’t have anyone to look over at and say, “Look at that!”
I know this is probably a great experience and I will look back at it and be really happy I spent this time here. However right now it feels like the last thing I could possibly want in my life, it feels like I should be sharing this experience with people I love. Maybe this is just because I’m in that midpoint. I’ve realized that I am living here now but I’m not quite sure this is what I want. Maybe my mind is telling me that this isn’t what is best for me, though my mind has been known to be wrong.
Sure I am doing well financially here but that is really rather unimportant to me. If I were making next to nothing but were surrounded by people I loved I would be grateful, money can buy you things but if the people who you love to share things with are not around many things lose meaning. I still enjoy coffee, reading, arrested development and good music but when I have a really good sip of coffee or hear a really good song… It doesn’t have the same effect sharing it over the internet or through a text message.
Maybe I’m complaining too much. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really miss you all, not just for your company or your smiles or your hugs but for the people you are. I miss you for the way you are always willing to watch a show with me on a lonely night. I miss you all for the way you listen to me when I have a really dumb idea. I miss you for the way you give me books to read even if I might not be as able to appreciate them as you. I miss you for the way you are willing to drop everything and have tea with me. I miss you for the way you give me a card to show your support and love for me. I miss you for the way you butcher english with me like that is the way it was meant to be spoken. I miss the way you say goodnight. I miss everything about all of you and it is hard to not pay attention to missing all of you and concentrate on a project that has taken me so far from everything I know and love.
Funny how I missed these things while in Kenya but it didn’t hit nearly as hard. Maybe because I felt like that trip I was doing something for other people and this trip I feel like I’m doing it all for selfish me.
…
I got a bike today. I’ll take pictures maybe and put them up on here. It’s a cute Schwinn with faded pink wrap on the handle bars and a faded pink saddle. I got it from Working Bikes. It’s a really cool cooperative. Their website’s description of them is this:
The Working Bikes Cooperative is a not-for-profit tax-exempt 501(c)3 organization which diverts bicycles from the waste stream in Chicago by repairing them for sale and charity.
Working Bikes is primarily volunteer-driven. Currently it receives no government or foundation money. All its operations are funded through the sale of bicycles at its storefront. Working Bikes uses that money to provide bicycles to charity organizations within Chicagoland and to ship bicycles to the Gulf Coast, Cuba, Guatemala, Ecuador, and many other places of need.
In the countries to which Working Bikes ships, a bicycle can often mean the difference between work and unemployment. The bicycle is the primary means of vehicular transportation for the majority of the population and is used both for personal transportation and for carrying cargo.
Due to wage differences, a bicycle worth $20 in Chicago can be worth the equivalent of $1,000 in Africa.
Each year Working Bikes gives away over 5,000 bicycles locally and internationally. It distributes about 500 bicycles and wheelchairs in the Chicago area alone: to City programs, refugees and day camps.
I think it’s a damn cool idea personally. The bike only cost me $70 and I got a nice lock for $30 which came to a smooth $100 for a nice healthy means of transport. I feel like it was a quality investment.
I’m looking at places with my co-worker, Dan. I think that is what prompted this post initially. If I get an apartment it’s going to have to be a year lease so I’ll have to sell my lease when I’m ready to come back to Colorado. This is a huge commitment, really huge. I’ve never had an apartment before and I’m honestly really nervous about the idea of moving into a place that I have to agree I’ll pay them $800+ a month for a year even though I plan for it to be 6 months. I wish I could just hang out somewhere like Rick’s house and not have to get an apartment so if I wanted to just GTFO all of a sudden I wouldn’t have to think about, “How do I get rid of this apartment?”
I’m scared. I can’t wait to see my Dad this weekend so I can have a hug.
I love you all.
Sorry this was so long and accomplished so little.