but
The Week In Bullet Marks
Jun 3rd
- The Bad
- Not enough sleep.
- Got paid but still no nearby bank.
- A lot of work to do, not enough time.
- No one really to hang out with.
- Issues with projects stressing me out.
- The Good
- Going to see family!
- I found out Lily is in town and she is awesome.
- Hired a new employee, he’s really good.
- I have air, food and shelter.
- I completed several things that I feel really good about.
- My API Structure is as bad ass as I thought it was.
- Today was BEAUTIFUL in Chicago.
- My hair looked really good today.
- I’m feeling really comfortable being alone.
- Fuck everyone! =)
This is shaping up to be a pretty good week.
air will crush you
Jun 1st
Storm clouds and strange weather formations are usually frightful news to birds, airplanes, really anything that spends a lot of time up in the air. These two birds, however absolutely loved to dart up and down through the arcus clouds. They loved to dip and dive through the most ominous of forming condensation funnels. Danger was something that not only did they find they loved, but they loved together.
How could this story possibly have a positive outcome? Two daredevils who spent their time flashing their underbellies at monsters that could consume them at any moment. The very ether that they perch so lightly on with their delicate wings could strike them down like a baker shop owner shaking the crumbs off of his well traveled welcome mat. Well this story does not end well, but I’ll tell you how it did, finally, end.
On one fantastically windy day near the banks of Lake Michigan the little red chickadee while looking for windy pockets high in the atmosphere found a cloud which was so dense and so powerful that he had to challenge it. He screamed to the other, “Come play with me in this deep pillow, come dive into these fierce and wicked winds!”
Naturally the other, a beautiful sparrow with deep blue feathers that cast the pouring rain off as though they were made of steel, came immediately and seeing the immense size of this cloud he nearly lost his balance with excitement. Together they entered the cloud, pushing hard off a wind gust which was so strong it could almost be mistaken for solid ground. As they passed through the outer layer of the cloud the red chickadee lost sight of the shimmering blue of his friend, he called out but strangely heard no call back.
As it so happens this was not the blue sparrow’s day, immediately after entering the cloud he had gotten cocky and tried to perform a beautiful spin in the cloud. He knew how the little red chickadee loved seeing him rotate smoothly through the strong gusts of wind. Unfortunately just as he started the maneuver directly in front of him was a terrible pocket of wind which tossed and threw him, bending back several of his feathers which were crucial to his flight.
Obviously he fell immediately and by the time the red chickadee’s cry reached him he was coming down hard in the shallow waters near the banks of the lake. Due to the high wind that day with the second wave that hit him, he was crushed against the jagged stones which lined the banks of Lake Michigan. This was the last cloud that the red chickadee ever flew in and every time he sees other birds daring the clouds he yells to them and complains. He warns them that even the air that you trust can strike you down, even the thing that seems to keep you afloat can backfire, reducing you to nothing more than a stone, falling hard where ever it might choose to throw you.
I lose everything
May 30th
I lost that damn piece of paper that I wrote her phone number down on.
I knew as I tore it off of my notebook and scribbled it down as she read those digits through her soft, light peach lips that something would happen. I knew that I’d end up regretting that I just didn’t unzip my bag and write down the number on that notepad I got from my sister the day after that party. I’ve spent approximately 30 minutes trying to remember just the area code, realistically our future communication is about as probable as our original meeting.
If I wouldn’t have been so distracted, if I would have been looking at my bag instead of into her eyes. Looking at which one of my 15 pockets I stuffed the paper into instead of reading the titles of the books that were in her bag. If I wouldn’t have been so preoccupied I would have her number right now, maybe I’d have her heart or at least her head lightly positioned on my left shoulder blade.
Damn her for distracting me, damn me for allowing myself to be so easily distracted.
So now I’m sitting here, at my pivoting desk (which is also slightly off balance and tips occasionally) remembering her eyes instead of being reflected in them and fumbling through my mind for a picture of her smooth lips instead of kissing them. Maybe I could clean up the night really well and spill this glass of water on my iceberg of a bed.
Dim Lit Paths
May 29th
Why do so many things I write end up in my secret blog? What an idiot. Maybe one day I’ll be able to express myself and not sound like a complete idiot.
I doubt it though.
Dear Friends.
May 26th
I realize that sometimes I am really really ungrateful. I’m sorry, you are all seriously the best and I really would be nowhere without you. I love you all and miss you very much.
Sometimes it may seem like I forgot about you but it is actually that I just get confused and wish I could forget about myself. I’m working on that.
This Week
May 20th
Wow.
There is a lot to say about this week. It’s been really good at points and really awful at others. It seems like my future is pretty secure as far as a job and that. From what I’ve heard I should be happy that I have no lack of job in my life, I guess I’m worried that I have too much job in my life. I know I spend too much time working for sure but I really don’t know what I would be doing if I weren’t. I don’t have any friends out here and that isn’t to say that I’m super bothered by that. I’m definitely learning to be alone, maybe not learning to appreciate it. I’m worried, however, that all of this alone time is kind of breaking off my reality; that is is making me drift a bit from the person who I have been in the past. Now that might not be a completely bad thing, I mean I am quite dependent on other people but it is uncomfortable to be breaking off all sorts of my emotions because I feel like I might not be able to support them. I don’t want to become emotionally cold even though that seems to be popular.
I have completed a lot more this week (7 days) than I have in a long time. I’ve gotten a start on a lot of projects, gotten things done, completed projects on time or even ahead of time. I guess I’m getting back to that point that I so often come to in live which is to question the point of existence. I can live here, alone, just me. I can fulfill my own wants, my own needs.. I don’t have half as much interaction, I don’t have half as many real genuine laughs and smiles… But I’m still alive. I’m sitting here, completing projects, making money but I’m completely empty. I wake up, go to work, program for 12 hours, go home, eat, sleep, repeat.
Maybe once I get my bike fixed I’ll be alright. Life feels really fucked right now. In absolutely every realm of it. Weird.
I wish I could find a break; in this for()…
I know my fingers are veiny and striking
May 14th
but they protect the beauty thats in me now
I know I’m not comfortable with you and your friends and the large scale situations that you create
They tend to make me anxious, and these days I’m trying to avoid that
Mildly Decorated – The Lovely Feathers
Updated List
May 12th
Things I am doing about this:
The Poetry of Code – The kind of poetry I know the most about.
List
May 12th
Things I might one day be (or already am):
Financially Stable Dependable American
Things I will probably never be (or have already failed at):
Writer Poet Artist Scholar
Things I want to be:
Writer Poet Artist Scholar
Things I am doing about this:
This is not meant to be depressing, just… an observation.
Cold feet?
May 8th
Hey guys.
I like prefixing my posts with that, it makes it seem like I have amassed a large group of readers.
I am having a really hard time with this. I feel like how hard this all is for me is all I talk about but I really can’t get over it. I feel silly talking this way because all of my friends are so gung ho to leave home and get a place of their own; to go out and explore the world. I am too but I never realized how hard it can be to explore it all by yourself. It seems like many sections of my life are black and white without the fun, laughter and love that my friends and family add to it. There are so many things that I’ve seen while being here that are so lovely and I’ve just wanted to share them but I don’t have anyone to look over at and say, “Look at that!”
I know this is probably a great experience and I will look back at it and be really happy I spent this time here. However right now it feels like the last thing I could possibly want in my life, it feels like I should be sharing this experience with people I love. Maybe this is just because I’m in that midpoint. I’ve realized that I am living here now but I’m not quite sure this is what I want. Maybe my mind is telling me that this isn’t what is best for me, though my mind has been known to be wrong.
Sure I am doing well financially here but that is really rather unimportant to me. If I were making next to nothing but were surrounded by people I loved I would be grateful, money can buy you things but if the people who you love to share things with are not around many things lose meaning. I still enjoy coffee, reading, arrested development and good music but when I have a really good sip of coffee or hear a really good song… It doesn’t have the same effect sharing it over the internet or through a text message.
Maybe I’m complaining too much. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really miss you all, not just for your company or your smiles or your hugs but for the people you are. I miss you for the way you are always willing to watch a show with me on a lonely night. I miss you all for the way you listen to me when I have a really dumb idea. I miss you for the way you give me books to read even if I might not be as able to appreciate them as you. I miss you for the way you are willing to drop everything and have tea with me. I miss you for the way you give me a card to show your support and love for me. I miss you for the way you butcher english with me like that is the way it was meant to be spoken. I miss the way you say goodnight. I miss everything about all of you and it is hard to not pay attention to missing all of you and concentrate on a project that has taken me so far from everything I know and love.
Funny how I missed these things while in Kenya but it didn’t hit nearly as hard. Maybe because I felt like that trip I was doing something for other people and this trip I feel like I’m doing it all for selfish me.
…
I got a bike today. I’ll take pictures maybe and put them up on here. It’s a cute Schwinn with faded pink wrap on the handle bars and a faded pink saddle. I got it from Working Bikes. It’s a really cool cooperative. Their website’s description of them is this:
The Working Bikes Cooperative is a not-for-profit tax-exempt 501(c)3 organization which diverts bicycles from the waste stream in Chicago by repairing them for sale and charity.
Working Bikes is primarily volunteer-driven. Currently it receives no government or foundation money. All its operations are funded through the sale of bicycles at its storefront. Working Bikes uses that money to provide bicycles to charity organizations within Chicagoland and to ship bicycles to the Gulf Coast, Cuba, Guatemala, Ecuador, and many other places of need.
In the countries to which Working Bikes ships, a bicycle can often mean the difference between work and unemployment. The bicycle is the primary means of vehicular transportation for the majority of the population and is used both for personal transportation and for carrying cargo.
Due to wage differences, a bicycle worth $20 in Chicago can be worth the equivalent of $1,000 in Africa.
Each year Working Bikes gives away over 5,000 bicycles locally and internationally. It distributes about 500 bicycles and wheelchairs in the Chicago area alone: to City programs, refugees and day camps.
I think it’s a damn cool idea personally. The bike only cost me $70 and I got a nice lock for $30 which came to a smooth $100 for a nice healthy means of transport. I feel like it was a quality investment.
I’m looking at places with my co-worker, Dan. I think that is what prompted this post initially. If I get an apartment it’s going to have to be a year lease so I’ll have to sell my lease when I’m ready to come back to Colorado. This is a huge commitment, really huge. I’ve never had an apartment before and I’m honestly really nervous about the idea of moving into a place that I have to agree I’ll pay them $800+ a month for a year even though I plan for it to be 6 months. I wish I could just hang out somewhere like Rick’s house and not have to get an apartment so if I wanted to just GTFO all of a sudden I wouldn’t have to think about, “How do I get rid of this apartment?”
I’m scared. I can’t wait to see my Dad this weekend so I can have a hug.
I love you all.
Sorry this was so long and accomplished so little.