misty night

Posted on June 04, 2008

The criminal darted out from behind the back of the building, looked both way and ran into the dark of the night.

It was a lovely night. The moon was out though it could hardly be seen through the dense mist and city lights. City lights that obscured everything. There was a couple leaning against a car, whispering to one another and occasionally kissing (“Oh how happy we are”). There was a drunk man walking around mumbling things which could not be understood by anyone, maybe not even him. He held his arms out and beckoned for something, who knows what (“Oh how sad I am”). There was a beautiful girl, walking down the street with eyes made of solid granite and clothes which fit her perfectly looking up at a loft high above. She was observing the furniture and interior of the loft, astonished by the decadence and style of the layout (“Oh how lucky they are”). There was a young boy walking down the street, listening to his music, eyes glued to the ground; contemplating. He counted every step he took and fiddled with something of a square shape in his pocket (“Oh how distracted I am”). There was an older gentleman sitting under an umbrella in front of a cafe which had been closed for hours, sipping occasionally on a cup of tea and reading a book by an obscure author. Casually he would look at these people and think to himself, “Oh how wonderful we are.”

Pity that no one could offer an answer.

The Week In Bullet Marks

Posted on June 03, 2008
  • The Bad
    • Not enough sleep.
    • Got paid but still no nearby bank.
    • A lot of work to do, not enough time.
    • No one really to hang out with.
    • Issues with projects stressing me out.
  • The Good
    • Going to see family!
    • I found out Lily is in town and she is awesome.
    • Hired a new employee, he’s really good.
    • I have air, food and shelter.
    • I completed several things that I feel really good about.
    • My API Structure is as bad ass as I thought it was.
    • Today was BEAUTIFUL in Chicago.
    • My hair looked really good today.
    • I’m feeling really comfortable being alone.
    • Fuck everyone! =)

This is shaping up to be a pretty good week.

air will crush you

Posted on June 01, 2008

Storm clouds and strange weather formations are usually frightful news to birds, airplanes, really anything that spends a lot of time up in the air. These two birds, however absolutely loved to dart up and down through the arcus clouds. They loved to dip and dive through the most ominous of forming condensation funnels. Danger was something that not only did they find they loved, but they loved together.

How could this story possibly have a positive outcome? Two daredevils who spent their time flashing their underbellies at monsters that could consume them at any moment. The very ether that they perch so lightly on with their delicate wings could strike them down like a baker shop owner shaking the crumbs off of his well traveled welcome mat. Well this story does not end well, but I’ll tell you how it did, finally, end.

On one fantastically windy day near the banks of Lake Michigan the little red chickadee while looking for windy pockets high in the atmosphere found a cloud which was so dense and so powerful that he had to challenge it. He screamed to the other, “Come play with me in this deep pillow, come dive into these fierce and wicked winds!”

Naturally the other, a beautiful sparrow with deep blue feathers that cast the pouring rain off as though they were made of steel, came immediately and seeing the immense size of this cloud he nearly lost his balance with excitement. Together they entered the cloud, pushing hard off a wind gust which was so strong it could almost be mistaken for solid ground. As they passed through the outer layer of the cloud the red chickadee lost sight of the shimmering blue of his friend, he called out but strangely heard no call back.

As it so happens this was not the blue sparrow’s day, immediately after entering the cloud he had gotten cocky and tried to perform a beautiful spin in the cloud. He knew how the little red chickadee loved seeing him rotate smoothly through the strong gusts of wind. Unfortunately just as he started the maneuver directly in front of him was a terrible pocket of wind which tossed and threw him, bending back several of his feathers which were crucial to his flight.

Obviously he fell immediately and by the time the red chickadee’s cry reached him he was coming down hard in the shallow waters near the banks of the lake. Due to the high wind that day with the second wave that hit him, he was crushed against the jagged stones which lined the banks of Lake Michigan. This was the last cloud that the red chickadee ever flew in and every time he sees other birds daring the clouds he yells to them and complains. He warns them that even the air that you trust can strike you down, even the thing that seems to keep you afloat can backfire, reducing you to nothing more than a stone, falling hard where ever it might choose to throw you.

I lose everything

Posted on May 30, 2008

I lost that damn piece of paper that I wrote her phone number down on.

I knew as I tore it off of my notebook and scribbled it down as she read those digits through her soft, light peach lips that something would happen. I knew that I’d end up regretting that I just didn’t unzip my bag and write down the number on that notepad I got from my sister the day after that party. I’ve spent approximately 30 minutes trying to remember just the area code, realistically our future communication is about as probable as our original meeting.

If I wouldn’t have been so distracted, if I would have been looking at my bag instead of into her eyes. Looking at which one of my 15 pockets I stuffed the paper into instead of reading the titles of the books that were in her bag. If I wouldn’t have been so preoccupied I would have her number right now, maybe I’d have her heart or at least her head lightly positioned on my left shoulder blade.

Damn her for distracting me, damn me for allowing myself to be so easily distracted.

So now I’m sitting here, at my pivoting desk (which is also slightly off balance and tips occasionally) remembering her eyes instead of being reflected in them and fumbling through my mind for a picture of her smooth lips instead of kissing them. Maybe I could clean up the night really well and spill this glass of water on my iceberg of a bed.

Dim Lit Paths

Posted on May 29, 2008

Why do so many things I write end up in my secret blog? What an idiot. Maybe one day I’ll be able to express myself and not sound like a complete idiot.

I doubt it though.

Dear Friends.

Posted on May 26, 2008

I realize that sometimes I am really really ungrateful. I’m sorry, you are all seriously the best and I really would be nowhere without you. I love you all and miss you very much.

Sometimes it may seem like I forgot about you but it is actually that I just get confused and wish I could forget about myself. I’m working on that.

This Week

Posted on May 20, 2008

Wow.

There is a lot to say about this week. It’s been really good at points and really awful at others. It seems like my future is pretty secure as far as a job and that. From what I’ve heard I should be happy that I have no lack of job in my life, I guess I’m worried that I have too much job in my life. I know I spend too much time working for sure but I really don’t know what I would be doing if I weren’t. I don’t have any friends out here and that isn’t to say that I’m super bothered by that. I’m definitely learning to be alone, maybe not learning to appreciate it. I’m worried, however, that all of this alone time is kind of breaking off my reality; that is is making me drift a bit from the person who I have been in the past. Now that might not be a completely bad thing, I mean I am quite dependent on other people but it is uncomfortable to be breaking off all sorts of my emotions because I feel like I might not be able to support them. I don’t want to become emotionally cold even though that seems to be popular.

I have completed a lot more this week (7 days) than I have in a long time. I’ve gotten a start on a lot of projects, gotten things done, completed projects on time or even ahead of time. I guess I’m getting back to that point that I so often come to in live which is to question the point of existence. I can live here, alone, just me. I can fulfill my own wants, my own needs.. I don’t have half as much interaction, I don’t have half as many real genuine laughs and smiles… But I’m still alive. I’m sitting here, completing projects, making money but I’m completely empty. I wake up, go to work, program for 12 hours, go home, eat, sleep, repeat.

Maybe once I get my bike fixed I’ll be alright. Life feels really fucked right now. In absolutely every realm of it. Weird.

I wish I could find a break; in this for()…

I know my fingers are veiny and striking

Posted on May 14, 2008

but they protect the beauty thats in me now
I know I’m not comfortable with you and your friends and the large scale situations that you create
They tend to make me anxious, and these days I’m trying to avoid that

Mildly Decorated – The Lovely Feathers

Updated List

Posted on May 12, 2008

Things I am doing about this:

  • The Poetry of Code – The kind of poetry I know the most about.
  • List

    Posted on May 12, 2008

    Things I might one day be (or already am):

  • Financially Stable
  • Dependable
  • American
  • Things I will probably never be (or have already failed at):

  • Writer
  • Poet
  • Artist
  • Scholar
  • Things I want to be:

  • Writer
  • Poet
  • Artist
  • Scholar
  • Things I am doing about this:

  •  
  • This is not meant to be depressing, just… an observation.

    Switch to our mobile site