Nick Krut

It’s been a while since I’ve been shaken.  Just arms put to my shoulders and saying nick you need to wake up, you need to wake up and look around you. Thanks for shaking me.

I’ve been extremely happy the past 8 months.  I’m fulfilled, traveled, intelligent, able, (mostly) healthy and strong.  I’ve learned a lot about myself, the people around me and the things I value most.  For maybe 4 months now I’ve been beating this dead horse of finding someone to love because I feel like I’m finally there with myself (whereas I used to love others more than myself).  There is a huge amount of love and appreciation around me and I’ve been blessed everywhere I go with accepting and caring people.

I feel like it is very important in life to share what you have.  One of the things I’ve had especially recently is a smile and I’ve shared that with everyone I can.  I’ve shared my money, my thoughts and my love with anyone who was there to accept it.  I’ve not written in here because this has previously been my place to express things to people in ways I couldn’t in speech.  I seem outgoing but I’m damn shy especially with people I have interest in.  So here’s to the pretty girls who make me nervous and say awkward things.

I’m going to start expressing that more.  It’s summer and I’m in spring mode.  And I’m gonna show it.

[ ignore this blog, it should have been scribbled down on a piece of paper ]

I always think about how rare every situation is.  About how all these unique little circumstances must first happen for the conclusion to happen.  How “If I hadn’t gotten sick and walked to the bathroom I’d never of met her” or how “If I hadn’t moved to the other side of the world I’d of never realized that I could relate to someone so easily.”  But the truth is that there is nothing miraculous about these occurrences at all they are just the way things happened there is nothing shocking or amazing but the good or the bad in extremes always amaze us but they always get added up and smashed into that average.  However I like to think that these extreme goods and bads get added together and there is very little room for the very basic averages… that one person who always sits in the middle chair who dates one person their whole life and is never really happy but never really sad.  And who knows, maybe that’s as happy as everyone else is.  You can’t be happy without sad and vice-versa.

I’m pretty strange about love.  You see my emotions are really stretchy.  I automatically love everyone and anyone around me, even when they aren’t particularly lovable people.  This makes things really complicated because it’s very difficult to get into my heart, there’s a long line.  Very very rarely you meet people who require very preferential treatment.  Those people who you loved before you met them and there was a missing spot in you and you couldn’t find the matching piece.  So you get that little sifter out and dig it deep into the sand and shake it until there is that piece that exactly matches that little missing bit in your soul.  Even when you find it though, what do you do?  Do you jump at it like a wild savage beast?  What if you scare your chance at being complete away?  Do you lie back and hope it comes to you?  What if you let your chance at being complete wonder away without telling it how important it is to you?

Whether you take a quick jab at it or you slowly bring it in with a smile and friendship…  Don’t let it get away.  Those little pieces and big pieces are what make a person a person and without the effort, without the love, without the nervousness and the reckless abandon life wouldn’t be life.

Miguel didn’t know much about men.  In fact if he didn’t have a penis and a stout beard he’s probably of (happily) forgotten they exist.  When he walked alongside the apartment complex that he frequently visited he cried a little bit because the small pieces of tree stuck in the chain link fence looked as though they were being strangled by the metal fence and it reminded him of the frustration he felt when he saw her.

Her eyes were deep, not like the usual “pool” and “ocean.”  Her eyes were more of that fragrance that old ladies wear that is intoxicating in all the wrong ways.  Mostly cause she’s an old lady so you try not to smell it, but you can’t help it, it’s as though it’s being shoved into your nose.  Unfortunately she wasn’t an old lady.  She was a young and beautiful girl.  Miguel lost his balance.

You know.  It’s not that Miguel was easily persuaded.  No actually it’s the exact opposite.  Miguel had successfully prodded off all the suggestions and attempts for months.  This one spiked his interest.  Maybe he was vulnerable or maybe he was just being weak but the way she smiled and the way she danced reminded him of how much he loved to breathe, reminded him of how much he loved to love.

He hoped this timing was alright.  He hoped his hands weren’t shaking too much.  And he touched her hand.  She giggled and shrugged it off.

Miguel lost his balance.

She always had much more to say than he did.

It wasn’t because he was quiet or dull or unintelligent.  It was because he was unable to communicate his feelings in a way that sounded like dry leaves under footsteps instead of nails on a chalkboard.  When he wrote something he always immediately moved to the eraser bit or backspace key afraid of what it might sound like or how dumb it might make him sound.  And he wasn’t particularly bright, especially not in the way she was.  He could write applications which could write better than he.

And again he was lost.  Floating in a sea of words, unable to grab onto a capital D and float in it’s bubble to safety.

He always left his window open as well.  It didn’t let in the winter or the feeling of her.  It only let in the noisy outside city and a brisk, hot, wet reminder that it was only him in this bed.  He wished that he had a quilt here.  A big, fluffy, sewn together quilt which would make him as warm on the inside as he was on the outside.  Again the fan behind him blew the little styrofoam bowl which he had eaten from earlier around in the smaller bowl which he had eaten from before that.

The light finally came on, right as he was getting ready to go to sleep.  As he curled up in his bed and tried to think sleep thoughts his eyes were suddenly very wet.

Running was something he had to do.  Being alone was something he must know.  Punishment was something he deserved.

He thought of her often.  He didn’t deserve that either.

Again he came to the end of what he was saying and still had said nothing.  I love you.  I miss you.  I’m looking everywhere and I’m still at a loss.

he thought of her often but didn’t miss her because he knew that she knew he needed this.

the song kept playing in his head and his heart beat with love, determination and some aggression.  the comments on his un-american attitude were flattering.  his goal was near.  his goal of being the person who he knew he was but had been too scared to stand up to being.  too lazy.

people believe in me.  “I just got home from work and I had to tell you that part of the bus ride home I thought about how much I really, really admire you.”  where his knees used to shake because he was afraid he might not live up to the expectations of those around him…  now his legs were strong and able from the teachings of all those around him.

“if you ain’t where you are, you’re no place.”

i am here.  i am now.  i can do this and i will keep doing this until my legs give out.

even though she was far away, she was sitting right next to him, holding his hand and when he was exhausted she sat him down and iced his wounds.

distance be damned, you’re my love and that’s all i need from you.

(09:08:59 SGT) darby: hi
(09:09:06 SGT) darby: hi how are you today?
(09:09:13 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: i’m pretty good. i’m in seattle.
(09:09:22 SGT) darby: my name is paris I’m doing great today I’m 21 yrs old how old are you?
(09:09:49 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: my name is nick and i’m doing great today. i’m 24 how old are you?
(09:10:08 SGT) darby: listen hun, I am just about to start my webcam show with jen, come chat me there in my chat room? We can cyber, I will get naked if u do..lol!
(09:10:16 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: oh paris.
(09:10:19 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: i probably shouldn’t.
(09:10:23 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: i’m out with some friends.
(09:10:37 SGT) darby: I can show u how to watch free if u promise not to tell anyone else how to do it???PLEASE:-$
(09:14:06 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: Well my friend Sera is looking over my shoulder.
(09:14:07 SGT) darby: ready yet
(09:14:10 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: Is it okay if she knows?
(09:14:36 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: Paris?
(09:14:37 SGT) darby: well since its free the law that u gotta be 18 (nudity involved), u have to sign up with a credit card for age verification! BUT .. Once you are inside, just clikc on “Webcams” let me know what name you use to sign in with so I know it is you babe! http://www.hotwebcamlocals.com/vicky fill out the bottom of the page then fill out the next page as well and u can see me live for free!
(09:14:38 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: Are you there?
(09:14:58 SGT) darby: Please dont mention anything about that in the chatroom once u get in ok?:-$
(09:15:09 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: Paris I’d like to get to know you better before I see your vagina.
(09:15:28 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: What’s your favorite color?
(09:15:29 SGT) darby: OH SHIT.. k I am late to start my show, I gotta get off msn…I will see ya inside my chatroom babe.. remember not to mention that I am upgrading u for free… You can use your msn name to sign in so i know it is you..
(09:15:35 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: Paris?
(09:15:37 SGT) darby: brb soon this is where i got those free movies http://www.fastwebmovies.com/myfriends
(09:15:45 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: Paaaaaaaaaaris
(09:15:46 SGT) darby: brb soon this is where i got those free movies http://www.fastwebmovies.com/myfriends
(09:40:08 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: Paris?
(09:40:10 SGT) darby: brb soon this is where i got those free movies http://www.fastwebmovies.com/myfriends

broken hearts are usually generated by the person who gets destroyed.

in fact i’d say they always are.

you see love is fickle and nervous and frigid and hidden.  there is nothing wrong with hiding from it.  there is nothing wrong with being destroyed.  all that you can worry about is giving your all.

you see.  smiling at someone is something that even the most annoying of ’50’s couples could put up with every morning and now no one can even humorously smile at someone every morning on the bus.  i’m not citing a weakness, i’m just confused.  i’m that douchebag who smiles at you at 6am on the bus when you wish you were sleeping or at 2am when you wish you’d of had less to drink.

i just want to know why no one smiles back.

it’s been years and years that i’ve been wondering, searching and longing.  i went from a state of desperation for love, to a state of devouring all love that came to me and finally to this state of turning most all love away.  maybe it’s a path to independence.  maybe it’s a plague for my heart, my withering and cooling heart.

i sit there and look at you and i can feel so many different emotions spewing from my mind and heart.  like in that movie where the sewers start exuding thousands of gallons of puss colored water into the streets — maybe that was a dream actually.  i don’t know which ones to express and which to suppress so i get all tangled up in this emotion ribbon of indecision like a kitten, tearing the ribbon into stringy remains so unrecognizable that i can’t even get out a word.  speechless in the worst way possible.

as i limp through my thoughts i think about how different my reaction to this conundrum would be depending on my age.  some might say my maturity but i don’t know that my way of dealing with this is any more mature than slipping notes dripping in love under your pillow that probably just got washed with the pillowcase and tossed aside as lint.  or more mature than buying you a promise ring from some fancy boutique even though all you wanted was a nice pair of winter boots to keep your feet warm.  my letters are just as smeared, my representation of love just as flawed, my sense of value as skewed as it ever has been.

i don’t have an excuse for my lackadaisical approach of love these days.  both physical and emotional it seems like i just waft through the kisses, the hugs, the smiles and the sex as though i were repeating a rote task such as washing my hair or cleaning the dishes.  the lack of enthusiasm has nothing to do with you.  in fact i’ve never loved one in this way before.  the lack of enthusiasm maybe is a last ditch effort of my mind, flailing to prevent myself from cuddling and smiling.  to push myself to venture out on my own before i become a prisoner like i’ve seen happen to so many.

without misery life is hardly any fun just as schopenhauer said that life without pain has no meaning.  i guess i had enough pain in the far past to give the past couple years a lot of meaning and to push my growth beyond where i expected to ever be.  i know no buildings are going to burn down but I know that I have a couple broken windows and they are definitely self-inflicted.

I’ve been very strange about relationships lately. I guess once you hit that forte you have a hard time with the rest cause it’s all a downhill march.

I’m okay with the downhill march now. I smile and I wink and I love but it’s strange meeting that epoch and moving on. I’ve tried everything from late night dating shows to early morning meet ups. Then I noted with a single breath that it’s not a goal to find something better, it’s to look for something different.

I’ll be leaving you soon, I’ll be leaving all of this soon, and somehow that doesn’t make it any better. I’m committed but in such a non-committal way that it’s perfect. I couldn’t imagine anything more, and I couldn’t hope for anything less. Bordering on that precipice of love and offense we walk along and smile like no one knows we’re nervous about walking on upturned razor blades. We bleed out our feet along the pavement and once the blood has ended we try to cry but the tears don’t come.

Malnutrition nothing.

The worst part is if you step on my heart in the middle of the road where all can see I’ll still love you the way I did when I spotted you across the room.

The best part is if I step on your heart in the middle of the road where all can see you’ll still love me the way you did when you spotted me across the room.

Beautiful repetition is the name of the game.  Lost in my own dreams of what could be but what already is suddenly is the reality.

I’ll hold you, I’ll cuddle you, I’ll support you, I’ll build you up and I’ll give you my all.  All I want is reciprocation, is that so much to ask?  Come to me, tell me.  I need it too but I’d never say it.

You know I’ve had a confusing morning. Waking up at 5am. Making delicious eggs. Having a strange conversation. Having a beer. Writing some code.

I was scared that today might be a backstep — that today might make my recently unwavering decisions moot. I’ve decided I’m not going to do that. The events of the past five months have been quite amazing. I’m almost always alone but I’m hardly ever lonely. Missing only a few people as opposed to missing anyone who I know. I’m maturing and changing and I think that things are going right as wrong as some people might think they are.

I am smart. I am dedicated. I am able. I am strong. I am me. I will never underestimate myself. Not now, not ever. I did before and it ended up hurting me a lot.

The next step isn’t on this block or on this city though. The next step isn’t moving out of my parent’s place and getting some job. The next step is much bigger. The next step is something real.

I’m saying this to myself. You tried it once, try it again. I love you and you’re my inspiration. Maybe watch Amanda’s YouTube video a few more times.