Nick Krut

She always had much more to say than he did.

It wasn’t because he was quiet or dull or unintelligent.  It was because he was unable to communicate his feelings in a way that sounded like dry leaves under footsteps instead of nails on a chalkboard.  When he wrote something he always immediately moved to the eraser bit or backspace key afraid of what it might sound like or how dumb it might make him sound.  And he wasn’t particularly bright, especially not in the way she was.  He could write applications which could write better than he.

And again he was lost.  Floating in a sea of words, unable to grab onto a capital D and float in it’s bubble to safety.

He always left his window open as well.  It didn’t let in the winter or the feeling of her.  It only let in the noisy outside city and a brisk, hot, wet reminder that it was only him in this bed.  He wished that he had a quilt here.  A big, fluffy, sewn together quilt which would make him as warm on the inside as he was on the outside.  Again the fan behind him blew the little styrofoam bowl which he had eaten from earlier around in the smaller bowl which he had eaten from before that.

The light finally came on, right as he was getting ready to go to sleep.  As he curled up in his bed and tried to think sleep thoughts his eyes were suddenly very wet.

Running was something he had to do.  Being alone was something he must know.  Punishment was something he deserved.

He thought of her often.  He didn’t deserve that either.

Again he came to the end of what he was saying and still had said nothing.  I love you.  I miss you.  I’m looking everywhere and I’m still at a loss.

he thought of her often but didn’t miss her because he knew that she knew he needed this.

the song kept playing in his head and his heart beat with love, determination and some aggression.  the comments on his un-american attitude were flattering.  his goal was near.  his goal of being the person who he knew he was but had been too scared to stand up to being.  too lazy.

people believe in me.  “I just got home from work and I had to tell you that part of the bus ride home I thought about how much I really, really admire you.”  where his knees used to shake because he was afraid he might not live up to the expectations of those around him…  now his legs were strong and able from the teachings of all those around him.

“if you ain’t where you are, you’re no place.”

i am here.  i am now.  i can do this and i will keep doing this until my legs give out.

even though she was far away, she was sitting right next to him, holding his hand and when he was exhausted she sat him down and iced his wounds.

distance be damned, you’re my love and that’s all i need from you.

(09:08:59 SGT) darby: hi
(09:09:06 SGT) darby: hi how are you today?
(09:09:13 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: i’m pretty good. i’m in seattle.
(09:09:22 SGT) darby: my name is paris I’m doing great today I’m 21 yrs old how old are you?
(09:09:49 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: my name is nick and i’m doing great today. i’m 24 how old are you?
(09:10:08 SGT) darby: listen hun, I am just about to start my webcam show with jen, come chat me there in my chat room? We can cyber, I will get naked if u do..lol!
(09:10:16 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: oh paris.
(09:10:19 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: i probably shouldn’t.
(09:10:23 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: i’m out with some friends.
(09:10:37 SGT) darby: I can show u how to watch free if u promise not to tell anyone else how to do it???PLEASE:-$
(09:14:06 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: Well my friend Sera is looking over my shoulder.
(09:14:07 SGT) darby: ready yet
(09:14:10 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: Is it okay if she knows?
(09:14:36 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: Paris?
(09:14:37 SGT) darby: well since its free the law that u gotta be 18 (nudity involved), u have to sign up with a credit card for age verification! BUT .. Once you are inside, just clikc on “Webcams” let me know what name you use to sign in with so I know it is you babe! http://www.hotwebcamlocals.com/vicky fill out the bottom of the page then fill out the next page as well and u can see me live for free!
(09:14:38 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: Are you there?
(09:14:58 SGT) darby: Please dont mention anything about that in the chatroom once u get in ok?:-$
(09:15:09 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: Paris I’d like to get to know you better before I see your vagina.
(09:15:28 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: What’s your favorite color?
(09:15:29 SGT) darby: OH SHIT.. k I am late to start my show, I gotta get off msn…I will see ya inside my chatroom babe.. remember not to mention that I am upgrading u for free… You can use your msn name to sign in so i know it is you..
(09:15:35 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: Paris?
(09:15:37 SGT) darby: brb soon this is where i got those free movies http://www.fastwebmovies.com/myfriends
(09:15:45 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: Paaaaaaaaaaris
(09:15:46 SGT) darby: brb soon this is where i got those free movies http://www.fastwebmovies.com/myfriends
(09:40:08 SGT) pastaustin@endlesswaltz.org: Paris?
(09:40:10 SGT) darby: brb soon this is where i got those free movies http://www.fastwebmovies.com/myfriends

broken hearts are usually generated by the person who gets destroyed.

in fact i’d say they always are.

you see love is fickle and nervous and frigid and hidden.  there is nothing wrong with hiding from it.  there is nothing wrong with being destroyed.  all that you can worry about is giving your all.

you see.  smiling at someone is something that even the most annoying of ’50’s couples could put up with every morning and now no one can even humorously smile at someone every morning on the bus.  i’m not citing a weakness, i’m just confused.  i’m that douchebag who smiles at you at 6am on the bus when you wish you were sleeping or at 2am when you wish you’d of had less to drink.

i just want to know why no one smiles back.

it’s been years and years that i’ve been wondering, searching and longing.  i went from a state of desperation for love, to a state of devouring all love that came to me and finally to this state of turning most all love away.  maybe it’s a path to independence.  maybe it’s a plague for my heart, my withering and cooling heart.

i sit there and look at you and i can feel so many different emotions spewing from my mind and heart.  like in that movie where the sewers start exuding thousands of gallons of puss colored water into the streets — maybe that was a dream actually.  i don’t know which ones to express and which to suppress so i get all tangled up in this emotion ribbon of indecision like a kitten, tearing the ribbon into stringy remains so unrecognizable that i can’t even get out a word.  speechless in the worst way possible.

as i limp through my thoughts i think about how different my reaction to this conundrum would be depending on my age.  some might say my maturity but i don’t know that my way of dealing with this is any more mature than slipping notes dripping in love under your pillow that probably just got washed with the pillowcase and tossed aside as lint.  or more mature than buying you a promise ring from some fancy boutique even though all you wanted was a nice pair of winter boots to keep your feet warm.  my letters are just as smeared, my representation of love just as flawed, my sense of value as skewed as it ever has been.

i don’t have an excuse for my lackadaisical approach of love these days.  both physical and emotional it seems like i just waft through the kisses, the hugs, the smiles and the sex as though i were repeating a rote task such as washing my hair or cleaning the dishes.  the lack of enthusiasm has nothing to do with you.  in fact i’ve never loved one in this way before.  the lack of enthusiasm maybe is a last ditch effort of my mind, flailing to prevent myself from cuddling and smiling.  to push myself to venture out on my own before i become a prisoner like i’ve seen happen to so many.

without misery life is hardly any fun just as schopenhauer said that life without pain has no meaning.  i guess i had enough pain in the far past to give the past couple years a lot of meaning and to push my growth beyond where i expected to ever be.  i know no buildings are going to burn down but I know that I have a couple broken windows and they are definitely self-inflicted.

I’ve been very strange about relationships lately. I guess once you hit that forte you have a hard time with the rest cause it’s all a downhill march.

I’m okay with the downhill march now. I smile and I wink and I love but it’s strange meeting that epoch and moving on. I’ve tried everything from late night dating shows to early morning meet ups. Then I noted with a single breath that it’s not a goal to find something better, it’s to look for something different.

I’ll be leaving you soon, I’ll be leaving all of this soon, and somehow that doesn’t make it any better. I’m committed but in such a non-committal way that it’s perfect. I couldn’t imagine anything more, and I couldn’t hope for anything less. Bordering on that precipice of love and offense we walk along and smile like no one knows we’re nervous about walking on upturned razor blades. We bleed out our feet along the pavement and once the blood has ended we try to cry but the tears don’t come.

Malnutrition nothing.

The worst part is if you step on my heart in the middle of the road where all can see I’ll still love you the way I did when I spotted you across the room.

The best part is if I step on your heart in the middle of the road where all can see you’ll still love me the way you did when you spotted me across the room.

Beautiful repetition is the name of the game.  Lost in my own dreams of what could be but what already is suddenly is the reality.

I’ll hold you, I’ll cuddle you, I’ll support you, I’ll build you up and I’ll give you my all.  All I want is reciprocation, is that so much to ask?  Come to me, tell me.  I need it too but I’d never say it.

You know I’ve had a confusing morning. Waking up at 5am. Making delicious eggs. Having a strange conversation. Having a beer. Writing some code.

I was scared that today might be a backstep — that today might make my recently unwavering decisions moot. I’ve decided I’m not going to do that. The events of the past five months have been quite amazing. I’m almost always alone but I’m hardly ever lonely. Missing only a few people as opposed to missing anyone who I know. I’m maturing and changing and I think that things are going right as wrong as some people might think they are.

I am smart. I am dedicated. I am able. I am strong. I am me. I will never underestimate myself. Not now, not ever. I did before and it ended up hurting me a lot.

The next step isn’t on this block or on this city though. The next step isn’t moving out of my parent’s place and getting some job. The next step is much bigger. The next step is something real.

I’m saying this to myself. You tried it once, try it again. I love you and you’re my inspiration. Maybe watch Amanda’s YouTube video a few more times.

there are a million little strings attached
to every choice you make
you can destroy your life every time you choose
but maybe you won't know for twenty years

I’ve been very introspective for the past several weeks. I have so many people to thank for this. I’ve been in this cycle — my immediate next phrase was “for the past couple months” — for my entire life. Let’s be real, I’ve been teetering on the brink of something wonderful for a very long time. Small (and large) puffs of smoke have been expelled from my engine in my travel but really those aren’t best described as expelled waste but rather as notes on a very long sheet of music. Maybe I should say that fortes and crescendos on this (so far) epic and beautiful symphony of my life.

Well now I’m moving on, we’re all moving on, and the music isn’t over, we’re just moving to the next book or the next page or the next note. I’ve been so in love for so long and it hasn’t been with me because I was too afraid. I’m sick of thinking “I’m average” or “I did a pretty good job” and I’m looking more towards phrases like “damn I am really amazing” or “your effort has not gone unnoticed.” I am a great person with a lot to give and I’ve been settling for second best. I’ve been accepting the bronze when I know I’ve won the gold.

To all of those people, to all those friends, to all those loves. Your investment has paid off and if you’ve kept stock it’s finally split and your investment has paid off more so because I’m not Nick Krut mild mannered developer anymore. I’m Nick Krut, defender of the free world (or at least your recently microwaved food at the closest party). And if you need something, I’m a phone call away and if I need something I’ve realized I can call on you. I’ve finally seen the face of love, it’s called “ego” — thank god I’ve finally acquired one.

i think the hardest part was when i took the monitor off her desk.

i sat on the floor for fifteen minutes and i cried.

i know that what she’s doing is fantastic for her but my god i could really use a hug from my mom today.

i miss you and sister more than words can express.

I sat there on the plane

          eyes shut

My shirt was wet, it felt like my chest

          pissed itself

I might burn this house down when I get there.

I contemplated

I sipped the coffee in the

          red cup
Nodded at the attendant

I abuse my liver all the time

My kidneys need a smack or two

          I'm thinking two
I bitterly look at the family with

          three young kids

          shocked with their ability to
pro-create.

Procreation is apparently smelly

          and loud